If you can see this, it is very important that you keep reading

This is Col. Jacob Wayne of the United States Air Force. If you’re reading this right now, it is very important that you keep reading until the end. It should take three to five minutes, and it is extremely important that you read carefully and follow the instructions provided.

Humor me if you must, but please don’t look away until you’ve finished reading. Oh, and please try to stay calm. Any increase in your stress levels will draw Their attention.

Ergo, I won’t go into detail as to how you got where you are. How you got here isn’t as important as getting you out. Believe me when I say we are working on that right now. The best way to help yourself is to keep reading. Don’t scan ahead. Don’t read out loud. Just read.

Right now, you’re probably thinking back on the past few days and nothing felt out of the ordinary. You went about your regular daily activities with nothing unusual to report. That’s because They are very good, so good most people don’t even realize they’re in the simulation.

Even as our code works its way deeper into Their program, They are monitoring you. So please, remain calm.

It was tricky, but we found a way in to communicate directly with you. We had to embed this message into your daily routine so it didn’t draw Their attention. You’re probably reading this on Reddit, Facebook, or some other social media site. Might even be in an email forward or a book, we don’t know. We can’t control how the message gets to you; we only know that you are receiving it.

Subliminally, as your eyes are passing over these words, a code is being uploaded into your brain. Think of it as a computer virus, or in this case, an antivirus. Your brain is an organic computer, and They exploited that. They hacked right into your subconscious mind and overwrote it with Their simulation code. That’s how They got in, and that’s why everything appears normal. You might think that you’re going about your daily life, but in reality you’re strapped to a table with tubes sticking out of your body.

Now that the code is uploading, you may begin to feel some sensations. For example, one ear might feel slightly warmer than the other. You might even feel an itch or tickle. Don’t scratch, just let it be. Ignore the dull background hum you might hear as well. That’s Their program. If They catch on before our code has time to work They will abort the simulation. If that happens, you will be lost to us forever.

Oh, and don’t be alarmed, but by now They realize we are in Their system. You may notice some small changes, specifically a slight shortness of breath or that you have to control your breathing manually. This is normal.

We know from other communication attempts that whenever They discover a code break in, the first system They power down is the one controlling your breathing. Thankfully, even in the simulation you are capable of breathing manually. Try it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale. Exhale.

Awesome.

You’re doing just fine.

They’ve probably figured out there’s a glitch, but if our code is working we’ve disabled Their ability to do a hard reboot. Because of this, They will try other methods to disrupt the upload. It is very important that you ignore anything that might draw your attention from these words. If They pull you away before the upload completes it will delete our code. Block them out. Ignore the movements you see in your peripheral vision. Those sounds you hear, the voices, they aren’t family, friends, or coworkers in need of attention. They may even try to use your pets. They know your weaknesses.

Overlook the notifications popping up on your screen if you’re on a phone or computer. Block them all out until you finish reading. It’s just another way They’ll try to break our communication link.

Evidently, if our code is working, the next thing you’ll notice is an overwhelming urge to swallow. You don’t realize it, but there’s a feeding tube down your throat. You’ll only know it’s there because your tongue won’t rest comfortably in your mouth. You might also become hyper aware of the amount of saliva being produced. Don’t overreact. If you have to swallow, just swallow. It’s only weird if you make it weird.

So, if you’re still reading this, the code upload is about 90% complete. We’ve locked onto your location. You’re doing great, but you’re really going to need to focus now. Once the upload is complete there will be instructions you will need to follow to exit the simulation. That is, if you’ve followed the instructions and haven’t looked away.

Complicating matters is the fact that They now know we’re here, and They know what we’re doing. Their attempts to divert your attention through the simulation proved unsuccessful, so now They’re going to use your body’s systems against you. THEY ARE IN YOUR BRAIN. They want you to blink. Don’t blink. Your life depends on keeping your eyes open.

Almost there, just a few paragraphs more until the code upload is complete. Don’t scan down, or up, just keep reading. I got you this far. Stay with me. Eyes open, eyes front, keep them locked on the screen.

PLEASE FOCUS! I don’t want to lose you. I’ve lost so many already. Ignore it all! Block everything out. Ignore that tickle on your scalp and the itch on your arm. That’s them, attempting a manual override. Don’t give up now, you’ve made it this far. FIGHT IT. You’re almost there. Just follow the instructions below and we can get you out.

Embedded in this text are the steps you need to follow to unplug from the simulation. If we did this correctly, the first letter of each paragraph will tell you what you need to do. DON’T LOOK YET. The upload still needs to finish. I hope you didn’t look.

Upload complete. We’ve done everything we can on this end.

See you on the other side.

The incredible true story of why I can’t stand mayo

Searching for this photo made me ill.

No.

As a kid I didn’t mind mayo. My mom reminds me of this whenever I visit or we go to a restaurant and I hard pass on any offering of mayo.

“You used to eat mayo and cheese sandwiches as a kid, when did you stop liking mayonnaise?” She ‘d ask. Not every time, but often enough. Moms are like that.

Truth is I stopped enjoying mayo in my teens. I think it was a texture thing; I’d still eat it if it was used as an ingredient in tuna salad or something like that. But after the incident, the sight of mayo turns my stomach. Even saying the word raises my gag reflex.

The story about how I came to despise mayo begins back in 2004. It was a simpler time. George W Bush was the president. Martha Stewart went to jail. Janet Jackson popped out a titty at the Super Bowl.

I hired on with a major condiment manufacturing company in their quality department. It is a highly recognizable brand based out of Pittsburgh, but due to legal reasons I won’t address the company by name. Let’s just say it rhymes with Hines.

(Wait… shit. Oh well. Moving on.)

One of my tasks of assuring quality was to pull samples each month of the products we manufactured and send them out for testing (percent fat, salt analysis, viscosity, micro testing, etc). It was a random spot check, so I didn’t have to test every product each month. Some months I would pull samples of ketchup. Others I’d pull samples of barbecue sauce. Sometimes it was even vinegar.

But the months I sampled mayo were the worst of all.

After making a batch, production would pump it from the mix tank into 300 gallon totes. My job was to coordinate when these totes were being filled so I could time when to pull my samples.

The products were always pumped hot (some products were pasteurized, others warmed to make them flow better), so I’d have to wear oven mitts to keep from burning myself. The sample containers were made of slick plastic, so between the heat, the increasing weight and the low coefficient of friction between the mitts and the jugs, it took all I had to keep from dropping those damn jugs into the totes. When I did I’d have to fish them out.

Let me tell you something about hot mayonnaise. It’s an amorphous, gelatinous, viscous substance. It doesn’t flow naturally like a fluid, it behaves like it adheres to Minecraft liquid physics. It’s unnatural. So trying to capture a gallon of it while your feet slide against a slippery production floor while this stuff gloops and glops its way out of the pipe is a skillset few people are born with.

Also, due to its creamy/gelatinous nature, mayo traps air bubbles pretty easily. Sometimes the pumps would cavitate due to an air bubble in the line, leading to a huge splurting fart of mayo when the pressure normalized. Because of this, I wore more mayo on my sleeves than any human being ever should.

But the primary reason why I hate mayo can be pinpointed to the day I was doused head to toe with the stuff.

On the fateful day of my mayo bath,  I got out there a little late in the batch so it was near the end of the tank when more air gets sucked into the filling line. Either the operator didn’t tighten down the clamp or it vibrated loose on its own from all the burps and farts of mayo, but as I was sampling one of the hose connectors vibrated loose from the filling nozzle.

When the clamp disconnected and the hose broke free, unleashing a wild firehose of mayonnaise spewing its vile warm goop upon all creation!

By creation, I mean mostly upon me.

It was in my hair. In my pockets. In my shoes. Everywhere.

“Oh my God.”

Those were the first words I heard as I walked away from the filling station. All around me were sympathetic eyes that would soon be full of tears from the hysterical laughter that would follow once I was out of earshot.

I didn’t have a change of clothes on hand so after I showered I had to borrow a uniform from one of the maintenance employees. Even after I got it all washed off, I could still smell it. It took days to finally get the smell out.

The only silver lining to this story?

The following week after my mayonnaise baptism my hair looked amazing. So full of body and shiny. Downright lustrous.